closing the door on yesterday

I first heard the song “Tell your heart to beat again” while driving by myself in the car on my local Christian radio station.

I just about lost it. In a good way.

I don’t talk very much about what I am going to share, because it used to be one of those “elephant in the room” kind of topics which invoked uncomfortable responses out of people.

But my loss is part of my history, and part of His Story through me.

Copy of Copy of Copy of Yesterday's a closing doorYou don't live there anymore

I got pregnant on our honeymoon, while on birth control.  The initial shock to both my husband and I was sudden, mind blowing, frightening and exciting all rolled into one. We both loved working with kids, but the awareness that we would be responsible full time for another person was a shocker.  Just like any other first time parent, once we got over the initial news, we were excited.

At the 13 week mark, just as we had started telling family and our closest friends, I suddenly had a severe onset of abdominal pain and heavy bleeding, and within a few hours had lost the baby.

That shock and all the ways which I was beaten down emotionally through that traumatic situation should have knocked me out for the count in terms of ever wanting to have children in the future.

But God was gracious, and began a healing in me which enabled me to trust Him even though I was scared witless to go there again.

For even as a little girl, I knew I was meant to be a mother. Not only to my own kids, but to those who might need a mom in their corner for a season.

But those empty arms longing for that lost baby, oh how they ached. Even though we were blessed with two beautiful children over the next three years, and some of the pain from my loss ebbed into the caverns of my memories.  Occasionally surfacing, but not lingering too long when it did. I couldn’t leave it fully in the past, but didn’t know how to make peace with the loss in my present.

Copy of Copy of Yesterday's a closing doorYou don't live there anymore

I couldn’t leave it fully in the past, but didn’t know how to make peace with the loss in my present.

Then I had the dream/vision.

I saw my grandmother in heaven, in her late 20s early 30s, as she had only been in those pictures in the old photo albums. Looking so relaxed and at ease. I noticed she was holding a young boy’s hand.  A tallish boy who was jumping with excitement, who looked a lot like both my hubby and me. And the impression I got was his name was Andrew, Andy for short.

That was one of the names we had chosen for if we had a boy. Which is also my younger son’s middle name, for it never seemed right to give it to him as a first name as we had decided when we were first pregnant.

With that brief clip, kind of like a live action movie snippet, God reassured me He had my boy in heaven. He was happy, he was loved, and I will meet him again one day.

I believed that my heart had been made whole with that vision, the door to that painful part of my past fully shut, and over the past years I had not thought it was an issue needing to be addressed at all.

Until a lovely couple from our church had a precious little boy they named Andrew.

An incredibly strong desire came over me to hold this baby, which I fought against for a few weeks.

Then one Sunday I asked, and got to worship while holding that precious bundle.

God reminded me of a word He had spoken over me many many years ago, that I would worship with my children. Which I do often. He showed me that I would worship with my firstborn in heaven one day, which will make that word complete in the fullness of eternity.

Then He whammied me with this: that my longing for holding my lost baby was the same desire He had to hold each of His lost ones.

God longs to cuddle and snuggle, swing and giggle, dance and sing, love and cherish, protect and cover us, just as a parent loves to do with their child.

And that crack left open in the door of my past was for me to have that revelation. So I could see into the depth of His love for His children. All of them. Especially the ones who are lost.

There is a joy in God’s heart over every single child who calls Him Abba.

Copy of Yesterday's a closing doorYou don't live there anymore

There is an extra party which happens in heaven when one who runs away makes their way back home into His embrace. (Luke 15:3-7, 10, 32)

 

I can now completely close that door to that part of my past, because I have now seen all God wanted to me back there.  How He had been with me in the trauma, comforting me right beside me when I cried, and filling me with peace when I feared during my following pregnancies. How He has kept His promises, and is the one fulfilling them in my life. He has helped me draw closer to my husband in the good times and bad, and been the constant foundation I can stand on no matter what.

Yesterday's a closing doorYou don't live there anymore

My heart can now fully beat again, for He has restored all that was lost when I lost the baby.

Yet He has done so much more, and revealed more of Himself that I ever could have imagined twenty three years ago.

If you too find that music helps you open your heart to help hear His voice more clearly, may God use these lyrics and music to help your heart become whole again.

TELL YOUR HEART TO BEAT AGAIN – Danny Gokey (click song title for video link)
You’re shattered
Like you’ve never been before
The life you knew
In a thousand pieces on the floor
And words fall short in times like these
When this world drives you to your knees
You think you’re never gonna get back
To the you that used to be
Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday’s a closing door
You don’t live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you’ve been
And tell your heart to beat again
Beginning
Just let that word wash over you
It’s alright now
Love’s healing hands have pulled you through
So get back up, take step one
Leave the darkness, feel the sun
‘Cause your story’s far from over
And your journey’s just begun

Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday’s a closing door
You don’t live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you’ve been
And tell your heart to beat again

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Author:

Just me. Blogger, writer, singer, worshipper, child of God with a passionate, grace-soaked, hope-filled, wonder-gazing & great-full heart! Special because He calls me Beloved! Finding hope in His Presence every day!

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