cracked

Forget your perfect offering 
There is a crack in everything 
That’s how the light gets in.

-Leonard Cohen

Those who know me best know I am slightly cracked.

Not just because I have an off the wall sense of humor at times, but for a lesser known reason.

I believe its okay not to be okay all the time.

I know been working hard at becoming more purposefully transparent.

Meaning if someone asks me how my day is, I answer truthfully, not with the generic “Okay” we can tend to automatically reply with when we don’t want to let people know how we are really doing…whether we are afraid to share it, or fearful of either their indifference or judgment.

This weekend, I sensed I was to get a long term chronic pain in my left hip looked at. Not knowing exactly what direction that meant, I decided to just listen for a few days for clarification.

Sunday morning, our first speaker shared a story about you guessed it, a problem with his hip stemming from a foot injury (mine was a knee injury). After the sermon, I was more convince than ever I needed to get my hip looked at (the speaker ended up needing surgery, after imaging revealed some serious damage to his hip).

My fear factor took over big time. I assumed the timing of this talk meant I might need an MRI or possibly surgery, at the best case it was a flare of early osteoarthritis, which has shown up in my hands & feet over the past year. Forget the fact that I have had four car accidents and two knee surgeries, i just mentally jumped the gun to my worst case scenario.

I briefly mentioned this to one of my bosses on Monday, who happens to be an excellent sport physiotherapist, and asked if he thought a thorough assessment would be a good idea, or go right for imaging. (A physiotherapist can write a letter of recommendation for imaging to a doctor based on their findings.) He thought both worth considering, as this issue has been bothering me off and on for years, and could be an indication of something serious.

Today, an unexpected cancelation and a incidental delay in a meeting allowed me to fit in a very thorough and a bit uncomfortable assessment. I was very honest about my related history, and the physio was equally honest with her questions during the exam.

The findings?

One of my legs is a centimeter shorter than the other, which (in my understanding) is causing my muscles from my hip to tilt my pelvis slightly forward to compensate, painfully tightening my back and hip muscles in the process. What I experienced as my back giving out was my body’s cry of exhaustion and help.

A lift in my left shoe, a few rounds of an uncomfortable stretch, some support taping and instructions not to put my feet up at the end of the day nor to stay seated too long have combined to drop my pain level about 50%.

I am dumbfounded at how God stirred me to speak about what I was fearful of to the right person, and how His timing reworked my schedule to make this happen.

If I hadn’t spoken out my concern and need, I wouldn’t have found the answer He meant for me to find. He cracked through my fear to highlight the root of what was really going on. And I am left grateful and hopeful for a less pain filled future!

So I shared this with my family, my life group tonight, and now with you.

Because its okay to answer we aren’t okay, if that is how you truly are.

God invited those who are weary and heavy burdened to come to Him for rest.

Not those who have it all together.
Rather, those of us who know our need, are willing to admit it, and willingly come to Him.

I know my cracks and how much I need to be fixed.

Despite it all, I realize if i weren’t cracked, you couldn’t see Him shine through my weakness.

Because some days, its only His strength that is keeping me going.

And that is okay.

May you see Him clearly through the cracks in your life, as He has been shining through mine.

We don’t need to be perfect to hold His glory, just willing to be filled.

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